A few Issues at Hand

For quite some time now I have been plagued by a certain existential notion. I feel as though life is passing me by, very slowly at first and then when I look back my life has vanished with the blink of an eye. I think it may be a similar feeling to what Victor Frankl was experiencing when, in an Auschwitz concentration camp he confessed that the days were longer than the weeks (although I have yet to read any of his works so I cant be sure). You can then imagine on what temporal scale a year would feel like and so forth. It is well documented that time seems to speed up as we age and there are several theories as to why. Unfortunately I am much more interested in a solution, if there is one, than I am with an explanation. Admittedly it is not only the feeling of accelerated time that is causing me despair. Additionally, and more and more intensely do I feel like life may be passing me by. I feel as though I am on the sidelines of life’s games, cheering from the fan section but never getting in on the action. In the most literal sense this is definitely not the case but I cannot help feeling like there is some degree of truth to the analogy. I am fairly certain I know where this feeling comes from and that is my spinal cord injury. There are many, many things I can do normally and a great number of things I can do with a little innovation and pre-planning. Of course then, there are things I cannot do and it is all I can do to ignore them. The problem is that some of the things I cannot do are some of the most important parts of life. Independence and complete autonomy being one of the biggest hurdles I am constantly leaping. I have slowly improved over the seven years since my injury, I have worked very hard to become just about as independent as possible. In theory I could do probably 90% of life on my own but since I still live with my parents they pick up some of the more tedious things that would take me a considerable amount of time alone. Alas I am still tethered to a care giver, be it my parents, a nurse, etc. not unlike a child with an umbilical cord. Another problem I have learned to deal with but not solve is my appearance. I have grown better and better at not giving a fuck about what the mass majority of society thinks although there is one person I cannot help but worry about what they think. This is the daunting pretty girl and I desperately wish they could see me as an abled body person, not just for physical agendas but for emotional and psychological ones as well. I understand that there are fat people who do not do well with girls, and of course there is the shy kid or even just the all around ugly kid. All of these archetypes have significant difficulty with women, like I do but I cant help feeling like I’ve been cheated. Maybe the ugly or fat person feels the same way. Then again I do not have a great amount of sympathy for fat people (not including fat children) because they can, within reason, transform their physique into a more attractive one. Still, I cant shake this feeling…


About ben james

"The stars keep me up at night" -some song I heard one time Human. Studying the intersection of Neuroscience and Computation. Wanna be (astro) physicist.
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